Anything and Everything

My Life and how it continues to suck.

My father and my mother had been arguing since the beginning of the year when all of a sudden my father disowns me and my sister. Life really hasn’t been the same since considering I already had problems of my own beforehand involving university. So on top of other incomplete assignments to deal with due to a lack of support, I have this void of emotion that has left me feeling very unmotivated and lost. I don’t get support off family members, and the majority of my friends don’t understand what it’s like for me right now — barring a few.

This; by all means, isn’t a cry for help or support. I’ve never asked for anything in my life, so those people who think I’m after rewards, you can get fucked. I’ve earned everything. I don’t get gifts, rewards or anything. I don’t break things and have my parents buy me new things, and I certainly don’t ask for anything.

People don’t know the shit I have to deal with day-in and day-out, both with my father and general life problems. I’ve never had a break; never stopped working; I do something beneficial to myself at least everyday in terms of productivity. However, what takes me years of hard work to get and achieve, some people will have that given to them — and no, these aren’t sour grapes; I’m happy to see people happy. I’m just sick of putting in 120% effort and getting -120% back from people like my father, or the teachers and some of the students at university. I achieved great things in 5 years worth of independent learning and hobbies; university has done nothing, on the other hand — except maybe put me in severe debt. I’m proud of what I have achieved; I take pride in everything I do and what I’ve become. I aspire to be the best at everything I do and continue to do so. However, as great as I think I am, I’ve never felt so useless before. I just feel plain broken.

I find relying on people whether they are your flesh and blood, or whether you’re learning something from them is completely irrelevant because someday, somehow that person will let you down and it’s going to suck the later that happens.

I’d like to hope that someday, I’m a better dad than my father, but if I’m not, then I’d rather be dead.

My love life sucks and here’s why

Recently, my life seems to have taken a massive turn for the worst, and while I’ve been going out and socializing more, I have only done so to mask exactly how I’m feeling; so I thought I’d take the time out to write a blog post and clear the air.

Here’s the story:

So, there was this beautiful girl that I always liked who happened to be going through a rough-patch, who I’d also scored a date with in the past. For days in and out, I’d put in the effort and make sure she was okay, I also invited her out and introduced her to my friends, because the last thing she needs is to end up miserable like me and in all honesty, I just wanted her to be happy regardless of what happened. Long story short, it didn’t work out and I was ‘friend-zoned’.

Definition of ‘Friend-zoned’: When a girl decides that you’re her friend, you’re no longer a dating option. You become this complete non-sexual entity in her eyes, like her brother, or a lamp.

This isn’t the first time I’ve been labelled ‘a lamp’, and probably won’t be the last. However, I really can’t understand why nice guys get friend-zoned; especially when we seem to be the real deal when it comes to relationships and handling certain situations and to put it quite bluntly, I do feel a little broken now.

I think one of the hardest things to do is going back to being just friends after liking someone for so long. I currently cannot even see her in a friendship sense, and that’s not to say I hate her; I still adore her to pieces, but having to hide your feelings is hard. I think it’s more the case of the fact that I wouldn’t mind being friends, if I didn’t actually like her.

I had an awkward experience on Friday, when I bumped into her at the club we went to and while my night did turn out pretty good, I got really upset when I saw her smoking. I know her pretty well, and I’m pretty sure she wasn’t smoking prior to our situation; I just feel responsible for her bad choice of habit, which is probably because I’m a smoker. I know that makes me a hypocrite, but the most caring people in the world are - deal with it.

I know she feels genuinely bad about the situation, but the last thing I needed to see was her smoking - but that’s her choice, I can’t control what she does; all I can do is react to it. There’s really not much I can say or do for her right now, and as a result, I just feel more inclined to go my own separate way. It’s not so much me being mad about my lack of opportunity either, it’s about how I can even deal with just being friends with someone I’m attracted to. I’ve had to do that too many times and quite frankly, it gets harder the more you have to do it.

I’m more than happy seeing her and being friends, but I’ll never put in more effort than what is needed. I appreciate her honesty, but I just think it’s easier keeping our distance from now on. I have noticed that whenever I get attached to someone, it really never seems to work. Maybe it’s me, eh?

Either way, I hope she’s happier in the long run because that was all I cared about from the moment I met her. I really wish I could have been the guy to make her happy, but shit happens. However, one day, I vow to prove myself and hopefully someone will catch a glimpse of the real me and appreciate it.

Whatever happens to me until that day doesn’t really matter to me, and shouldn’t matter to anyone else.

I would like a girl to give me a shot..

preferably now, please? :( I feel so lonely :/.

1 Notes

I want a girlfriend

One that’ll play games, smoke weed and drink with me. <3 Any takers?

20 facts about me.

People don’t know shit about me so I thought I’d explain some things.

1. Regardless of how gorgeous you may be; I don’t fuck on the first date. Ever.

2. Despite me being crude and vulgar, I have more morals then I let off. This is because I like seeing what people think before I show them a new nicer and more secure side to me.

3. I see through bullshit every time so if people lie, I pretty much always know the truth. Call it a third-eye or just having friends in high places - I just can’t stand the need to lie or act like a douchebag in general. I wouldn’t even try and call my bluff.

4. I was a former good martial arts fighter (Taekwondo).

5. I don’t like fighting anymore because soon after I quit Taekwondo, a guy pulled a knife out on my dad.. long story short, my dad locked me and my mother in the car and proceeded to beat the shit out of him without the use of any weapon.

6. One day, I’ll go completely nuts at people who have either lied to me, or generally tried to fuck me over.

7. Friend-zoning is an insult to me. It makes me feel inferior to the dickheads girls often date. I’m better than that, dolls. I shouldn’t have to change who I am because you girls have bad or very little taste - that is truly how most guys feel too.

8. I have no problem putting people in their place. Regardless of how big, tough or what gender they are.

9. I take pride in everything I do.

10. My dates and outings with females are usually eye-openers because I go all out without even bothering to suggest anything.

11. My hometown is very important to me. It made me a strong person, both physically and emotionally. I rarely crack.

12. As much as I like/ dislike girls. My guy friends will always mean more to me.

13. I don’t like people touching my hair randomly.

14. I like all music. Music is Music.

15. I’m great with kids and really hope to have a few someday.

16. I really like when girls sleep on me. I find it cute.

17. I visit a lake at strange hours in the morning when I’m super-angry. I listen to the water, look at stars and clear my head before going back home.

18. I think I’m unattractive.

19. I compare myself to the character “Jak” from Jak and Daxter (my favourite game of all time) because for every hero, there’s a dark side and a light side. Whatever side you embrace that is your choice but at the very least you should bring some good out of it. And yes, you can get good results from being bad.

20. I’m happy when certain other people are happy. I’m selfless as much as I’m selfish but both are traits that bring out the best in one’s motives.

An Unexpected Return

First and foremost, I apologize for abandoning my Tumblr. I’ve had some demons which I’ve spent the last year fighting and now have a load more to face. However, I’m much more contempt with life and I’m constantly finding new ways to improve myself at being the best at what I do - whether that’s for my profession or personal attributes.

I have a number of problems right now which I’ll outline:

The first problem; is the fact that I liked this girl who I met through mutual friends who I also recently asked out for a date. She accepted and all was going smoothly until today when I got “friendzoned” - yes, that’s right, again - but this time, this girl barely took the chance to get to know me.

It’s not even the fact that her reason was that she “just started seeing someone else” - hell, I’m not even mad at the fact that she probably just wasn’t attracted to me. I am mad that she got my hopes up to the point where I spent £100 on clothes for a date, which evidently, won’t happen anymore. I feel she should have told me exactly how she felt when I told her on Friday. Either way, that’s about it for the first problem.

The second problem involves arguments with my friend, Rosie - who I love to bits - both in a friendly way and a bit more (she knows this). However, we go through constant arguments over stupid things and it’s not gotten to the point where all I want to do is take time out. It has nothing to do with her and I don’t blame her in the slightest, but the arguments are getting more frequent.

I just think we’re too similar. Could you imagine being around someone who is nearly in every way just like you? You’d go mad. I noticed that most of our arguments happened on Facebook, so I just disabled my account on that. It wasn’t just that though, I end up on Facebook arguments all the time - thought it’d be a good idea to just use Twitter primarily again.